Courting Tactics from Bob Ong

This was forwarded to a friend who in turn posted it in Facebook. Disclaimer: This may not be written by the great Bob Ong.

Enjoy!


Dear Mr. Bob Ong,

Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.
Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?
In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one.
Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -


- ANG REPLY -


Dear Bartolome,

Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano'ng era ka ba pinanganak?
Pero don't worry. It's not too late. May pag-asa ka pa.. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa'yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo 'to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa'yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:

1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box-yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot.. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.

Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na "Omega 8." Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: "because you're good for my heart."

2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: "I miss hanging out with you."


3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, "Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo."


4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung "with Omega 8." Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.

5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, "natunaw na kakatitig sa'yo."

6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: "Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka."


7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-"gets", kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, "sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko", o kaya naman ay, "you light up my life"...

8. I-text mo siya ng: "Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!"


9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo "para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin."


10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: "Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa'kin."


11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko"

12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"


13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."

14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na "don't leave your valuables unattended"

Handang tumulong lagi,

-Bob Ong-

Why oh why?

Have you tried looking at the people around you? Malls, streets, workplaces, etc Chances are, you'll find girls in skimpy short skirts (the kind that's just an inch away from showing you-know-what), low-cut blouses (or the ones that shows some - or more than some - cleavage), baby tees paired with hip hugging pants... simply put, clothing that would make you look twice.

Now, here's the thing - and I have had this question in my mind for the longest time - WHY do they wear those types of clothes when they keep pulling it to cover exposed areas? (Whether or not it looks good on them is a whole different story lol)

That is kinda confusing to me. IMO (in my opinion - so you won't ask what it means), when they wear those clothes, they should be confident enough, right? They know what could be seen, so if they don't want boys to see it, then why wear it?

Let me cite an example. Some boys look at breasts instinctively when a girl is about to cross their path, more so if the girl's showing some skin. However, when the girl notices, some of them try and cover their cleavage. LOL. I know it's not an invitation to look at your cleavage (or breasts), but it's not like it's helping us not to look. Staring is a different thing though - I still believe it's impolite to stare at breasts - or cleavages for that matter.

Here's another one. I was having dinner in a restaurant when I noticed this girl from the other table have really short (italicized for emphasis) skirt on. In fairness, she's got some long slender legs to boast and some high heels that goes well with the skirt and she has this pink laced - ugh wait, I'm going off topic here. Going back to my example, this girl (out of habit maybe), keeps on crossing and uncrossing her legs, which I could see clearly - I have excellent peripheral vision :P At one point, I noticed that she noticed I was looking, but she just smiled at me so I smiled back. (I was alone, and she was with her friends.) If that was another girl, either she would be pulling down her skirt - or I would've been in deep trouble lol.

Personally, I find girls in those outfits attractive - provided it's coupled by the right attitude, and they actually look good in it. It's just that, if some girls don't want boys to look at it, then why do they show it? It is somewhat embarassing for us boys (at least for me hehe) if girls pull their clothes to cover themselves when we get caught looking.

What a Pervert!!!111one

That could've been your initial reaction when you happen to stumble to my blog. Or maybe even worse than that, with all the expletives you could think of combined in a single sentence.

Wait. This is actually an idea I got from three girl friends (not girlfriends, there's a huge difference). This blog will NOT be talking about boobs, but rather about GIRLS. Yes, some boys have boobs too, some even bigger than a girl's (which is disgusting, btw), but that's a different story. This will be stuffed with all I hear, see, think, feel, learn, read, etc about girls. No, I'm not an expert on girls, nor do I claim to be one by making this blog.

This could be a great way to understand the complexities behind a girl's mind, provided this blog could attract a fair share of the female species - so they could comment and share their thoughts on the topics than can be found here.

So yeah, I'm not a pervert (I think...).